The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
