the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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