I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
