I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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