I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
