Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My vagina is officially offended.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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