if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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