Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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