no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
