if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
