he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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