1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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