Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize