if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Pooping to opera.
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