Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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