You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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