what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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