Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
