i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
