shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
