i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Drunk walkin through police station. America
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
