Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
