Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
