I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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