I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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