While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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