i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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