ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
