im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
