so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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