Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
