he puts the penis in happiness.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
