i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
