I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
