I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just want to make out with him forever
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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