Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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