I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
