in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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