I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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