How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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