can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
