hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
