you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
