Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
