I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
