every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
