Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My apartment stinks of burning failure
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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