So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
