there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
