I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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