so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I could make wine with my vomit
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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