Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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