could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
