I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
