I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize