If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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