Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
