I wish they made helmets for livers.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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