I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
