i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
