we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
