my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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