Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
