The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
